111 Funny Retirement Quotes

Retirement is a great thing especially when you have funny retirement quotes to make you laugh. So, we have compiled some quotes here for you hoping that they will make you laugh too! They could be used in a card or letter to send as part of your wishes.

We also have quotes on change, starting over, aging, getting older, and achieving goals to help you make the most out of a retirement.

 

1. Good luck in your new endeavors! May those endeavors require lots of breaks!!
   Retirement Sayings

2. When you retire, you switch bosses - from the one who hired you to the one who married you. 
   Gene Perret 
   Marriage Quotes

3. Retirement is waking up in the morning with nothing to do and by bedtime having done only half of it.
   Author Unknown
   Good Morning Wishes

4. When you retire, you switch bosses - from the one who hired you to the one who married you.
   Gene Perret 
   Marriage Quotes

5. Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty.....But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
   Phyllis Diller 
   Birthday Wishes

6. The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before your boss does.
   Author Unknown

7. In retirement, I look for days off from my days off.
   Mason Cooley

8. Fishing Yesterday, Fishing Today, Fishing Tomorrow I must be retired 
   Author Unknown

9. Retirement: It's nice to get out of the rat race, but you have to learn to get along with less cheese.
   Gene Perret



10. When a man retires, his wife gets twice the husband but only half the income.
    Chi Chi Rodriguez

11. The worst thing about retirement is having to drink coffee on your own time.
    Author Unknown

12. He who laughs, lasts.
    Mary Pettibone Poole

13. In your retirement years never drink coffee at lunch; it will keep you awake in the afternoon.
    Author Unknown

14. Retirement is like a long vacation in Las Vegas. The goal is to enjoy it the fullest, but not so fully that you run out of money.
    Jonathan Clements

15. Retirement: No clock, no deadlines, no stress, no money!
    Author Unknown

16. Don't worry about avoiding temptation ...As you grow older, it will avoid you.
    Winston Churchill

17. A retired husband is often a wife's full-time job.
    Ella Harris

18. Retirement: World's longest coffee break.
    Author Unknown

19. Up, sluggard, and waste not life; in the grave will be sleeping enough.
    Ben Franklin



20. The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off.
    Abe Lemons

21. When a man retires and time is no longer a matter of urgent importance, his colleagues generally present him with a watch.
    R.C. Sherriff

22. I'm retired - goodbye tension, hello pension!
    Author Unknown

Retirement Quotes:

23. Retirement is the time when you never do all the things you intended to do when you were still working. 
    Author Unknown
    Retirement Wishes

24. I've always had a love for my job, but I think my love will be stronger relaxing on my couch!
    Julie Hebert
    Love Quotes

25. Retirement is a new stage in your life, like getting your first job, your wedding and even a new baby. Enjoy this new adventure in your life. 
    Julie Hebert 
    Wedding Quotes

26. You miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
    Wayne Gretzky
    Graduation Wishes

27. Spend your holidays as if you are retired and spend your retirement as if you are on holiday!
    Merry Christmas Wishes

28. Life is no brief candle to me. It is a sort of splendid torch which I have got a hold of for the moment, and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it on to future generations.
    George Bernard Shaw

29. Retirement has been a discovery of beauty for me.  I never had the time before to notice the beauty of my grandkids, my wife, the tree outside my very own front door.  And, the beauty of time itself. 
    Hartman Jule



30. I have never liked working. To me a job is an invasion of privacy.
    Danny McGoorty

31. The other day a man asked me what I thought was the best time of life. "Why," I answered without a thought, "now." 
    David Grayson

32. Retirement, when every day is Saturday!
    Author Unknown

33. The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off.
    Abe Lemons

34. Retirement: When you stop lying about your age and start lying around the house.
    Author Unknown

35. Retirement is wonderful. It's doing nothing without worrying about getting caught at it.
    Gene Perret

36. A man is known by the company that keeps him on after retirement age.
    Anon

37. I’m now as free as the breeze — with roughly the same income. 
    Author Unknown

38. Don't wait for retirement to be happy and really start living. Invariably, people who try this find out that they have waited much too long.
    From Life's Secret Guide to Happiness

39. Retirement is the start of your life.  Live as if every moment counts, because, it does!
    Julie Hebert



40. The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does.
    Author Unknown

41. Retirement is wonderful if you have two essentials — much to live on and much to live for. 
    Author Unknown

42. Retirement . . . is when you stop living at work and begin working at living.
    Author Unknown

43. Retirement: The time in your life when time is no longer money.
    Author Unknown

44. Dream as if you'll live forever.  Live as if you'll die today. 
    James Dean

45. What I do today is important because I am exchanging a day of my life for it.
    Author Unknown, from A New Day

46. Live each day to the fullest and enjoy every moment.
    Julie Hebert

47. Retire from work, but not from life.
    M.K. Soni

48. Retirement means no pressure, no stress, no heartache... unless you play golf.
    Gene Perret

49. Be a life long or short, it completeness depends on what it was lived for.
    David Starr Jordan



50. Our Business in life is not to get ahead of other people, but to get ahead of ourselves.
    Maltbie D. Babcock

51. Retirement:  It's nice to get out of the rat race, but you have to learn to get along with less cheese. 
    Gene Perret

52. Planning to retire? Before you do find your hidden passion, do the thing that you have always wanted to do.
    Catherine Pulsifer

53. For retirement brings repose, and repose allows a kindly judgment of all things.
    John Sharp Williams

54. Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.
    Author Unknown

55. Retirement is wonderful. It’s doing nothing without worrying about getting caught at it.
    Gene Perret

56. I'm not just retiring from the company, I'm also retiring from my stress, my commute, my alarm clock, and my iron.
    Hartman Jule

57. Dream as it you’ll  live forever, live as if you’ll die today.
    James Dean

58. Laugh as much as you breathe and love as long as you live.
    Author Unknown

59. Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.
    Maria Robinson



60. We spend too much time living in the ‘what if’ and need to learn to live in the ‘what is.’
    Rev. Leroy Allison

61. Quit hanging on to the handrails . . . Let go. Surrender. Go for the ride of your life. Do it every day.
    Melody Beattie, “Finding Your Way Home"

62. A bird does not sing because it has an answer; it sings because it has a song.
    Chinese Proverb

63. There is the risk you cannot afford to take and there is the risk you cannot afford not to take.
    Peter Drucker

64. You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.
    Joe Lewis

65. You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream.
    C.S. Lewis

66. We don't stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing.
    George Bernard Shaw

67. We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us. The old skin has to be shed before the new one can come.
    Joseph Campbell

68. Happiness depends upon ourselves.
    Aristotle

69. Above all, try something.
    Franklin D. Roosevelt

Quotes on Change

70. If you don't like something change it; if you can't change it, change the way you think about it.
    Mary Engelbreit

71. All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another. 
    Anatole France

72. Change always comes bearing gifts. 
    Price Pritchett

73. We did not change as we grew older; we just became more clearly ourselves. 
    Lynn Hall

74. Life can either be accepted or changed. If it is not accepted, it must be changed. If it cannot be changed, then it must be accepted. 
    Winston Churchill

Quotes On Starting Over

75. You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream.
    C.S. Lewis

76. Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature.
    Helen Keller

77. Consider a new beginning with your family - choose to take them less seriously.
    Jonathan Lockwood Huie

78. I've chosen my life - now I want to start living it.
    The character Bella in Twilight Saga by Stephenie Meyer

79. Today is the first day of the rest of your life.
    Author Unknown



80. Start each day by affirming peaceful, contented and happy attitudes and your days will tend to be pleasant and successful.
    Norman Vincent Peale

81. Celebrate endings - for they precede new beginnings.
    Jonathan Lockwood Huie

82. If you don't like the road you're walking, start paving another one.
    Dolly Parton

Quotes On Getting Older

83. Nobody grows old merely by living a number of years.  We grow old by deserting our ideals.  Years may wrinkle the skin, but to give up enthusiasm wrinkles the soul. 
    Samuel Ullman

84. You are as young as your faith, as old as your doubt; as young as your self-confidence, as old as your fear; as young as your hope, as old as your despair. 
    Douglas MacArthur

85. A man is not old until regrets take the place of dreams. 
    John Barrymore

86. The first half of life consists of the capacity to enjoy without the chance; the last half consists of the chance without the capacity. 
    Mark Twain

87. It's sad to grow old, but nice to ripen. 
    Brigitte Bardot

88. There's no such thing as too late.  That's why they invented death. 
    From the movie Out to Sea

89. By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
    Billy Crystal

Quotes On Achieving Goals

90. Nobody grows old merely by living a number of years.  We grow old by deserting our ideals.  Years may wrinkle the skin, but to give up enthusiasm wrinkles the soul. 
    Samuel Ullman

91. You are as young as your faith, as old as your doubt; as young as your self-confidence, as old as your fear; as young as your hope, as old as your despair. 
    Douglas MacArthur

92. A man is not old until regrets take the place of dreams. 
    John Barrymore

93. The first half of life consists of the capacity to enjoy without the chance; the last half consists of the chance without the capacity. 
    Mark Twain

94. It's sad to grow old, but nice to ripen. 
    Brigitte Bardot

95. There's no such thing as too late.  That's why they invented death. 
    From the movie Out to Sea

96. If you don't know where you're going, any road will take you there.
    Proverb

97. Retirement is what we all work our lives to get to!
    Julie Hebert

Quotes On Aging

98. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
    Author Unknown
    Wedding Blessings

99. Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
    Mark Twain

100. The years teach much which the days never knew.
     Ralph Waldo Emerson

101. Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
     Chili Davis

102. Nobody grows old merely by living a number of years.  We grow old by deserting our ideals.  Years may wrinkle the skin, but to give up enthusiasm wrinkles the soul.
     Samuel Ullman

103. Age is an issue of mind over matter.  If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
     Mark Twain

104. You are as young as your faith, as old as your doubt; as young as your self-confidence, as old as your fear; as young as your hope, as old as your despair.
     Douglas MacArthur

105. Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.
     Mark Twain, Following the Equator

106. 'Age' is the acceptance of a term of years. But maturity is the glory of years.
     Martha Graham

107. The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left.
     Jerry M. Wright

108. The time to begin most things is ten years ago.
     Mignon McLaughlin

109. To keep the heart unwrinkled, to be hopeful, kindly, cheerful, reverent - that is to triumph over old age.
     Thomas Bailey Aldrich

110. As we grow old…the beauty steals inward.
     Ralph Waldo Emerson

111. Beautiful young people are accidents of nature, but beautiful old people are works of art.
     Eleanor Roosevelt

Related: 
Retirement Poems

Retirement Wishes

Retirement Sayings

I Miss You Quotes

 

 

Retirement can be a funny time and sometimes only quotes said by other people can help spread that cheer. Feel free to use these quotes in your planning and preperation process. We hope you have found these quotes to be somewhat comical as we did. Retirement is definitely not a joke, but like everything else in life, there are funny moments about it. We hope you are laughing on your retirement and making the most of a great situation.

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