111 Funny Retirement Quotes

Retirement is a great thing especially when you have funny quotes to make you laugh. So, we have compiled some quotes here for you hoping that they will make you laugh too! They could be used in a card or letter to send as part of your wishes.

  1. Good luck in your new endeavors! May those endeavors require lots of breaks!!
    Retirement Sayings

  2. When you retire, you switch bosses - from the one who hired you to the one who married you. 
    Gene Perret 

    Marriage Quotes

  3. Retirement is waking up in the morning with nothing to do and by bedtime having done only half of it.
    Author Unknown

    Good Morning Wishes

  4. When you retire, you switch bosses - from the one who hired you to the one who married you.
    Gene Perret 
    Marriage Quotes

  5. Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty.....But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
    Phyllis Diller 
    Birthday Wishes

  6. The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before your boss does.
    Author Unknown

  7. In retirement, I look for days off from my days off.
    Mason Cooley

  8. Fishing Yesterday, Fishing Today, Fishing Tomorrow I must be retired 
    Author Unknown

  9. Retirement: It's nice to get out of the rat race, but you have to learn to get along with less cheese.
    Gene Perret

  10. When a man retires, his wife gets twice the husband but only half the income.
    Chi Chi Rodriguez

  11. The worst thing about retirement is having to drink coffee on your own time.
    Author Unknown

  12. He who laughs, lasts.
    Mary Pettibone Poole

  13. In your retirement years never drink coffee at lunch; it will keep you awake in the afternoon.
    Author Unknown

  14. Retirement is like a long vacation in Las Vegas. The goal is to enjoy it the fullest, but not so fully that you run out of money.
    Jonathan Clements

  15. Retirement: No clock, no deadlines, no stress, no money!
    Author Unknown

  16. Don't worry about avoiding temptation ...As you grow older, it will avoid you.
    Winston Churchill

  17. A retired husband is often a wife's full-time job.
    Ella Harris

  18. Retirement: World's longest coffee break.
    Author Unknown

  19. Up, sluggard, and waste not life; in the grave will be sleeping enough.
    Ben Franklin

  20. The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off.
    Abe Lemons

  21. When a man retires and time is no longer a matter of urgent importance, his colleagues generally present him with a watch.
    R.C. Sherriff

  22. I'm retired - goodbye tension, hello pension!
    Author Unknown

We hope you have found these quotes to be somewhat comical as we did. Retirement is definitely not a joke, but like everything else in life, there are funny moments about it. We hope you are laughing on your retirement and making the most of a great situation.

Retirement Quotes:

  1. Retirement is the time when you never do all the things you intended to do when you were still working. 
    Author Unknown

    Retirement Wishes

  2. I've always had a love for my job, but I think my love will be stronger relaxing on my couch!
    Julie Hebert

    Love Quotes

  3. Retirement is a new stage in your life, like getting your first job, your wedding and even a new baby. Enjoy this new adventure in your life. 
    Julie Hebert 

    Wedding Quotes

  4. You miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
    Wayne Gretzky
    Graduation Wishes

  5. Spend your holidays as if you are retired and spend your retirement as if you are on holiday!
    Merry Christmas Wishes

  6. Life is no brief candle to me. It is a sort of splendid torch which I have got a hold of for the moment, and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it on to future generations.
    George Bernard Shaw

  7. Retirement has been a discovery of beauty for me.  I never had the time before to notice the beauty of my grandkids, my wife, the tree outside my very own front door.  And, the beauty of time itself. 
    Hartman Jule

  8. I have never liked working. To me a job is an invasion of privacy.
    Danny McGoorty

  9. The other day a man asked me what I thought was the best time of life. "Why," I answered without a thought, "now." 
    David Grayson

  10. Retirement, when every day is Saturday!
    Author Unknown

  11. The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off.
    Abe Lemons

  12. Retirement: When you stop lying about your age and start lying around the house.
    Author Unknown

  13. Retirement is wonderful. It's doing nothing without worrying about getting caught at it.
    Gene Perret

  14. A man is known by the company that keeps him on after retirement age.
    Anon

  15. I’m now as free as the breeze — with roughly the same income. 
    Author Unknown

  16. Don't wait for retirement to be happy and really start living. Invariably, people who try this find out that they have waited much too long.
    From Life's Secret Guide to Happiness

  17. Retirement is the start of your life.  Live as if every moment counts, because, it does!
    Julie Hebert

  18. The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does.
    Author Unknown

  19. Retirement is wonderful if you have two essentials — much to live on and much to live for. 
    Author Unknown

  20. Retirement . . . is when you stop living at work and begin working at living.
    Author Unknown

  21. Retirement: The time in your life when time is no longer money.
    Author Unknown

  22. Dream as if you'll live forever.  Live as if you'll die today. 
    James Dean

  23. What I do today is important because I am exchanging a day of my life for it.
    Author Unknown, from A New Day

  24. Live each day to the fullest and enjoy every moment.
    Julie Hebert

  25. Retire from work, but not from life.
    M.K. Soni

  26. Retirement means no pressure, no stress, no heartache... unless you play golf.
    Gene Perret

  27. Be a life long or short, it completeness depends on what it was lived for.
    David Starr Jordan

  28. Our Business in life is not to get ahead of other people, but to get ahead of ourselves.
    Maltbie D. Babcock

  29. Retirement:  It's nice to get out of the rat race, but you have to learn to get along with less cheese. 
    Gene Perret

  30. Planning to retire? Before you do find your hidden passion, do the thing that you have always wanted to do.
    Catherine Pulsifer

  31. For retirement brings repose, and repose allows a kindly judgment of all things.
    John Sharp Williams

  32. Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.
    Author Unknown

  33. Retirement is wonderful. It’s doing nothing without worrying about getting caught at it.
    Gene Perret

  34. I'm not just retiring from the company, I'm also retiring from my stress, my commute, my alarm clock, and my iron.
    Hartman Jule

  35. Dream as it you’ll  live forever, live as if you’ll die today.
    James Dean

  36. Laugh as much as you breathe and love as long as you live.
    Author Unknown

  37. Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.
    Maria Robinson

  38. We spend too much time living in the ‘what if’ and need to learn to live in the ‘what is.’
    Rev. Leroy Allison

  39. Quit hanging on to the handrails . . . Let go. Surrender. Go for the ride of your life. Do it every day.
    Melody Beattie, “Finding Your Way Home”

  40. A bird does not sing because it has an answer; it sings because it has a song.
    Chinese Proverb

  41. There is the risk you cannot afford to take and there is the risk you cannot afford not to take.
    Peter Drucker

  42. You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.
    Joe Lewis

  43. You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream.
    C.S. Lewis

  44. We don't stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing.
    George Bernard Shaw

  45. We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us. The old skin has to be shed before the new one can come.
    Joseph Campbell

  46. Happiness depends upon ourselves.
    Aristotle

  47. Above all, try something.
    Franklin D. Roosevelt

Quotes on Change

  1. If you don't like something change it; if you can't change it, change the way you think about it.
    Mary Engelbreit

  2. All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another. 
    Anatole France

  3. Change always comes bearing gifts. 
    Price Pritchett

  4. We did not change as we grew older; we just became more clearly ourselves. 
    Lynn Hall

  5. Life can either be accepted or changed. If it is not accepted, it must be changed. If it cannot be changed, then it must be accepted. 
    Winston Churchill

Quotes On Starting Over

  1. You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream.
    C.S. Lewis

  2. Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature.
    Helen Keller

  3. Consider a new beginning with your family - choose to take them less seriously.
    Jonathan Lockwood Huie

  4. I've chosen my life - now I want to start living it.
    The character Bella in Twilight Saga by Stephenie Meyer

  5. Today is the first day of the rest of your life.
    Author Unknown

  6. Start each day by affirming peaceful, contented and happy attitudes and your days will tend to be pleasant and successful.
    Norman Vincent Peale

  7. Celebrate endings - for they precede new beginnings.
    Jonathan Lockwood Huie

  8. If you don't like the road you're walking, start paving another one.
    Dolly Parton

Quotes On Getting Older

  1. Nobody grows old merely by living a number of years.  We grow old by deserting our ideals.  Years may wrinkle the skin, but to give up enthusiasm wrinkles the soul. 
    Samuel Ullman

  2. You are as young as your faith, as old as your doubt; as young as your self-confidence, as old as your fear; as young as your hope, as old as your despair. 
    Douglas MacArthur

  3. A man is not old until regrets take the place of dreams. 
    John Barrymore

  4. The first half of life consists of the capacity to enjoy without the chance; the last half consists of the chance without the capacity. 
    Mark Twain

  5. It's sad to grow old, but nice to ripen. 
    Brigitte Bardot

  6. There's no such thing as too late.  That's why they invented death. 
    From the movie Out to Sea

  7. By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
    Billy Crystal

Quotes On Achieving Goals

  1. Nobody grows old merely by living a number of years.  We grow old by deserting our ideals.  Years may wrinkle the skin, but to give up enthusiasm wrinkles the soul. 
    Samuel Ullman

  2. You are as young as your faith, as old as your doubt; as young as your self-confidence, as old as your fear; as young as your hope, as old as your despair. 
    Douglas MacArthur

  3. A man is not old until regrets take the place of dreams. 
    John Barrymore

  4. The first half of life consists of the capacity to enjoy without the chance; the last half consists of the chance without the capacity. 
    Mark Twain

  5. It's sad to grow old, but nice to ripen. 
    Brigitte Bardot

  6. There's no such thing as too late.  That's why they invented death. 
    From the movie Out to Sea

  7. If you don't know where you're going, any road will take you there.
    Proverb

  8. Retirement is what we all work our lives to get to!
    Julie Hebert

Quotes On Aging

  1. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
    Author Unknown
    Wedding Blessings

  2. Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
    Mark Twain

  3. The years teach much which the days never knew.
    Ralph Waldo Emerson

  4. Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
    Chili Davis

  5. Nobody grows old merely by living a number of years.  We grow old by deserting our ideals.  Years may wrinkle the skin, but to give up enthusiasm wrinkles the soul.
    Samuel Ullman

  6. Age is an issue of mind over matter.  If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
    Mark Twain

  7. You are as young as your faith, as old as your doubt; as young as your self-confidence, as old as your fear; as young as your hope, as old as your despair.
    Douglas MacArthur

  8. Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.
    Mark Twain, Following the Equator

  9. 'Age' is the acceptance of a term of years. But maturity is the glory of years.
    Martha Graham

  10. The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left.
    Jerry M. Wright

  11. The time to begin most things is ten years ago.
    Mignon McLaughlin

  12. To keep the heart unwrinkled, to be hopeful, kindly, cheerful, reverent - that is to triumph over old age.
    Thomas Bailey Aldrich

  13. As we grow old…the beauty steals inward.
    Ralph Waldo Emerson

  14. Beautiful young people are accidents of nature, but beautiful old people are works of art.
    Eleanor Roosevelt

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